He/She Cheated On Me… Why?

We recently had an out-of-town trip and my co-workers were talking about infidelities, and how it affected their (and also their friends’) previous and on-going relationships. I was so sleepy that night and I wasn’t able to contribute to the topic.

In my opinion, cheating is the most dreaded event in a relationship, since this defeats the purpose of having a commitment. But why do people cheat on their partners? What drives them to go the distance and hurt someone whom they promised the stars and the sky? For me, these are the main reasons:

Your partner is hungry
Of all the basic needs (food, clothing, and shelter), hunger comes first. If you’re hungry, you go out to look for food. But in a relationship, it is not the hunger for food instead it could be any of these two: Physical hunger and emotional hunger.

Physical hunger has been with us for a million of years. This includes hunger for food and the need for sex. Cave men had sex all the time and they hunt mammoths, mastodons, and sabretooth tigers whenever they get the kicks. It seems that eating and having sex is all that they do. Humans are polygamous in nature and it ensures the survival of our species. Here are the most common reasons why he cheats for sex:

1. Your partner does not find you to be sexy anymore. So stay in shape, be like the one who swept him/her off his/her feet back then.
2. When it seems that your partner’s birthday happens more often than having sex with you. Alright, alright, I’m exaggerating. But if you’re having less sex, your partner will eventually go out for more. Couple this with some flirty co-worker or classmate who he/she finds attractive and you’ve got a cheater. Satisfaction is the key here. Be there most of the time when he/she wants it, make your partner feel good, and don’t make him/her feel deprived.
3. Sex with you has become boring. Even weightlifting and cardio needs variety. Variety is life. So put some life in yours by doing something adventurous (but safe… no mousetraps or lightbulbs or any breakables… that’s painful and freakin’ embarrassing when you go to the E.R.), so your partner will be excited instead of thinking what it will be like to have sex with the girl/man next door.

On the other hand, we have our emotional needs. These came into our mind thousands of years back. Men became civilized, built houses instead of looking for caves, worshipped gods, elected leaders, made nice clothing, and found out about love and the importance of acceptance. Within this period, humans decided that they should be monogamous, that they should only have one partner and should never have any sexual relationship, or love another. Here are two reasons why he/she cheated on you beyond physical affirmation:

1. Being set aside. When you make your partner fell less desired, taken for granted, and make it seem that he/she’s on the bottom of your priority list, he/she might not have second thoughts on getting off your ride when that warm and attentive person comes along.
2. Not talking about your relationship. As my girlfriend says it, communication is the key. She jokes about it often but yes, she’s damn right. You may be happy with what you have, but you should also consider your partners two cents. He/she might be thinking that there are things that you should be doing, or changes that should be made. If you keep on ignoring this, there might be someone who is willing to listen. And that is the beginning of the end.

But I must point out that between these two needs, the need for sex is still stronger. It has been with us for millions of years as opposed to thousands of years of civilization. It’s the basic instinct, the instinct to “go out and multiply” (But now this has changed to go out and wear a sack).

He/she has decided that you’re not meant to be and he/she can’t tell it to you straight.
This is beyond instincts and this has nothing to do with the things in your relationship. Sex may be the basic instinct, but Love is still the strongest force in the universe (cheesy!!!). This is the point where your partner realizes that there is someone else that is “destined“for him/her and it’s not you. Often times, this happens to relationships that are doing fine. You’ve been living happily for some years, being the perfect couple that everyone envies, then one day Mr./Ms. Destiny came knocking on his/her door and your cheater answered it, arms wide open.

He/she cheats because he/she can’t simply tell you that he wants out. The last thing he/she wants to see is you crying, after all the kindness, sweetness, and the happy years. A friend once said to me, “brutal honesty may have forgiveness in the end, but dishonesty is endless brutality, truly unforgivable.”

The bad thing about this is that there little you can do on your part. The good thing is that it’s not your fault.

He/she is not ready for a commitment
Your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks that you relationship is just for fun, or just to try something new. He/she regards commitment as a chain that will restrain him/her from the things he/she loves. The first couple of years will be fun for him/her because of the new experience but when this type of person starts to feel the weight of the chain, he/she will find a way to break lose.

He/she likes the feeling of being loved and needed, but by different people.
This is something psychological. Your partner has mental issues, insecurities that root back to his past, possibly as deep as his childhood. He needs to prove to himself/herself that he/she is lovable and indispensable, and these are often caused by past events that made him/her feel deeply rejected and unloved. This is the twisted result of the saying “when life gives you lemons, you make lemonades.” He is like a disabled athlete who works endlessly to prove to the world that he is number one, and sadly you’re just one of his trophies. Though there is nothing you can do on your part, rest easy and know that what goes around comes around.